Building Positive Relationships with your Children: Skills and Strategies

Parenting can be very challenging; right from infancy, childhood, adolescence to adulthood. The way certain situations are handled can make or break a child’s relationship with his/her parents. A balance is the most important aspect in a parent-child relationship; this helps in maintaining a healthy relationship. Certain skills can be learned to create a balance. This article provides you with skills and techniques to achieve a positive relationship.

Importance of Parenting

Parent-Child relationship is very important; this is one of their first and one of the most important relationship in a child’s life; children use this relationship as a template for other relationships in their life. Relationships involve skills like communication skills, managing conflicts, how we solve conflicts, regulating emotions, trust, warmth, support etc. If their first relationship in their life is strained; where there is an absence of these skills or an unhealthy form of these skills, other relationships in their lives may get affected; where managing, initiating and maintaining later relationships in their lives may get difficult for them. Because childhood is when children imitate, absorb and learn a lot from their environment, the child learns important life lessons through his/her interactions with parents like handling conflicts, regulating emotions, communication and collaboration etc. Hence, if these skills are learned rightly in their childhood; they can apply them in their future relationships (friendships, marriage, colleagues etc.); helping them maintain positive relationships. the we should set an example for them.

This is a lot of responsibility on parents and one of the most difficult things. But it is also a parents’ responsibility to help their children and tweak the way we deal with things for the better to be a guiding force for children.

Important Techniques in Parenting:

1. Develop closeness: Make sure that you are their secure base, a safe space; that is being someone your child can come to talk to- about their feelings, difficulties, mistakes etc. Having this involves doing the below: Having a close relationship involves Communication skills- listening with the intent to understand, accepting, all these create trust. Encourage them to talk to you about anything.

• Connect with your child: Develop warmth with your children; physical warmth with cuddling, hugging and emotional warmth like praising, supporting etc. spend time Provide a nurturing and supportive environment. Warmth, support, empathy, identification.

• Making time for them: Parents now might be busy with work as both of them have careers. But, try to make an effort to take time off work schedule to spend time with them. Set up times in a day and week where all of you might spend time together or planning activities to do that the whole family enjoys. They can be movie nights or rules like no phones allowed on the dining table etc.; whichever works for the family.

• Trust vs Mistrust- To create the safe space; we have to maintain the trust in your child where they feel that, they can share because they will be heard, understood, supported and empathized with. If they don’t feel all of the above; sharing becomes difficult. Hence, listening with the intent to understand, empathizing and supporting is important.

Have eye contact when your child is communicating; even if you are working; This helps the child understand that, you are prioritizing him/her and are really listening to him.

• Open Communication- Encourage children to come and speak to you about anything. Understand the child’s experience and accept it (normalizing their emotions and behaviors); this improves the trust in the child. If the child feels that his/her experience is not being validated; they may not open up to you another time!!

2. Conflict Resolution- Managing conflicts with children and adolescents is very important. How conflicts are managed can decide the kind of parent-child relationship there is going to be in the future. The following are some of the strategies you can use.

• Identify the sources of conflict and needs- Identify the situations or topics that lead to a fight. After that try identifying what are the needs of you and your child. Help your child understand that you recognize his needs; by saying things like I understand why you did that or want to do that etc.

• Two-way communication- This form of communication where both the parties involved in conflict get to express their view; with a focus on collaboration instead of control. This especially works with adolescents; when they are trying to be independent; control might be something that just increases the conflict rather than decrease. Allowing children to communicate and listening to them, helps them understand that their point of view is also being taken into consideration.

• Negotiation: Involves both listening with the intent to understand and communication skills

Step 1: Listening to the child as to what he/she wants to do; their ideas, thoughts and feelings about it. It can help you identify their needs. Ask for their reasons; see why doing something is important for them. See here for a list of needs.

Step 2: Inform the child about your ideas, thoughts and feelings. Why you would prefer differently than that of your child.

Step 3: Suggest or brain storm ideas and courses of action.

With younger children- you can propose some ideas as to what can be done and both together choose which idea suits both the best.

With older children- you can brain storm ideas together; by asking them; “what do you propose we can do about it?”.

Step 4- Finding a mid-ground- finding ways that work of both and in ways that both parents’ and the child’s needs are met.

Doing all of the above helps the child to understand skills of peaceful conflict management

3. Independence vs Dependence- Allow your child to explore and be independent. Be protective about your child, but not overprotective. Encourage problem solving. Don't rush to fix everything, rather guide and encourage your child to find the solution. This is how children learn important life skills like coping, problem-solving, decision making etc.

4.Setting Boundaries- Setting boundaries is very important. Setting boundaries will ensure that everybody at home has their space and time for themselves and time for everybody else at home. Setting reasonable, realistic rules and boundaries in discussion with each other is important. When deciding on rules; its important that both parents stay on the same word because consistency is very important in parenting. This maybe rules on dinner timings or phones at dining table, parties with friends and the time they can come back home etc.

Adolescence: Now, especially in adolescence it’s common for children to want autonomy, a level of independence and freedom. And we must give it to them to an extent with boundaries that are agreed upon and not forced upon.

There is a common saying that we parent the way we were parented; so when we are interacting with our child we need to be aware about what they are taking away from the interaction and what lessons we are sharing and how they will play out in their future.